Blood
by xXxThe Phantom's RosexXx
Summary: "I always win, Eli. You should know this by now."
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I heard this song while at Sonic this afternoon, and I knew it was a perfect fit with angsty Eli and his and Clare's drama. So, here it is! I know I have a lot of work to do on my other stories, and don't worry – I haven't neglected them. I have two partial chapters written (one for Christmas and one for Come Together) but I don't like how they turned out so I might rewrite them. Anyways, enjoy this song-fic! Love you guys!**

**Disclaimer: The song, "Blood" by _In This Moment_, does not belong to me. Nor does Degrassi, though I really wish it did. Also, there's a line that's a bit risqué. I changed it from "dirty girl" to "dirty boy" for Eli though, and I think it fits wonderfully (insert fangirl squee here). Anyways, each "chapter" will be a line from the song pertaining to Eli and Clare and their tumultuous relationship. Also, this story is set up kind of like my favorite book, Venom. So a shoutout to that book and to the brilliant man who wrote it!**

_Song: Blood  
Artist: In This Moment  
Line: I hate you for the sacrifices you made for me_

"So, are you totally stoked for Ninja Warrior Pirate Wrestling tonight?"

Eli Goldsworthy glanced up from his comic book and raised an eyebrow. Adam was standing over him with this huge grin planted on his face. He looked utterly ridiculous, and if it had been any other day at any other moment, Eli wouldn't have second-guessed ragging on him a bit for it.

"Well?" He pressed, and Eli folded his comic book closed, knowing that this was going to turn into a conversation and Venom would just have to wait for now.

"Yeah, Adam. Sure."

"You don't sound totally stoked," it was his turn to raise an eyebrow and Eli knew he couldn't hide from Adam. He always saw through whatever mask Eli tried to hide behind. This mask was aloofness; and Adam knew instantly that something was up. Normally Eli would have, indeed, been totally stoked for Ninja Warrior Pirate Wrestling…but not tonight.

"Did my two favorite lovebirds get into a fight?" Adam slid into the chair across from him, folded his arms on the table, waiting for Eli to spill. Eli couldn't help but think how sometimes he wished he could just get away from everyone for a bit, just to have some time alone. As soon as he glanced up and met Adam's eyes, he regretted that wish. Adam saw right through him, and sometimes, that's exactly what Eli needed.

"No, not really," he admitted, "She just…well, tomorrow is Easter Sunday and her parents always do this whole big celebration thing. I'm talkin' wearing Easter clothes and going to an Easter service at her church and then a huge family brunch after…"

"What's the problem?"

"The problem is," Eli scraped his teeth along his bottom lip, feeling the tingling of his scar that still hadn't quite faded yet after last year, "Even though she didn't come right out and say it, I know she wants me to be there. She wants me to be that boyfriend that will do the whole church thing with her, and the whole family brunch thing. That's who she wants, Adam. Not me."

"Clare wants you," Adam reminded him, "Don't be a dick and start thinking she doesn't. She loves you, Eli. You and I both know that."

"I just wish I could be the guy she wants…the guy she deserves. I wish I could be the guy that can dress up in the nice clothes and put a noose – I mean, tie – around my neck and go to church with her. But I'm just not that person, Adam."

"This isn't just about Easter, is it?" Adam asked sagaciously, and Eli looked off at a table behind them, not meeting Adam's eyes as his thumb grazed casually over the swollen puff of scar tissue on his lower lip.

"Eli?" Adam baited.

"I just…there's so much she's missing out on that I know she wishes she could have by having me as her boyfriend."

"Don't say that, man."

"Well, it's true," Eli still refused to meet Adam's eyes, "Adam, she's had to give up so much."

"Like what?"

"Like…having a guy that's good enough for her."

"Stop it," Adam punched Eli in the shoulder, "It's just that dick of a disorder talking, Eli. Don't even think those thoughts, okay? You're good enough for her."

"I just put her _through_ so much. The whole thing with Fitz and then when I crashed Morty…and I was so hateful towards her, Adam. I was so hateful towards her. She…she could be with anyone and she's with me."

"Exactly, because she loves you. With you is right where she wants to be."

Eli's face turned sour, "Did you really just say that? Don't go and get all love-poemy on me, Adam."

"Sorry," Adam chuckled, "But really…"

"Look, Adam," Eli finally met his eyes, "Do you mind if I just have some time to myself before tonight? I know I sound like an ass, but…"

"It's fine," Adam said, understandingly and Eli could just hug him for it, "Really. I know you've got a lot on your mind. Just be safe, okay?"

"I'll just be in my head."

"That's what I'm worried about," Adam hopped off the chair and said goodbye by punching Eli in the shoulder for a second time before heading out the door of The Dot. Eli was finally alone now, and instantly he regretted it. At least with Adam around, he had to get out of his head for a bit. Now, it was just him and the disorder.

_She needs someone better. You're nothing but a jackass, Eli. She doesn't need you in her life. She needs someone so much better. You're not even half the man she deserves in her life. You're nothing, you know that, right? Absolutely nothing._

_ So while Clare is having a blast with her parents, trying not to think about how badly she wishes you could be there, you're going to be doing what? Sitting around probably reading comic books and drinking Mountain Dew. Yeah, that's' right – you're disgusting. You're so disgusting, so unworthy of her._

_ She's had to sacrifice so much for you, and what have you done to repay her? Exactly! She was there for you when you and Fitz had that epic battle of jackass proportions. She was there for you, telling you not to get in too deep; and she was still there with you when you did. She was there for you, by your side, when you almost got stabbed. She could have gotten fucking stabbed too, you asshole! Why didn't Fitz just aim the blade a little to the left, huh? Everything would be so much better if he did._

_ What else did you make her endure on account of you? Oh yeah, Morty! That fucking old piece of shit…should have fucking gone up in flames the second it crashed. Should have fucking taken you with it. You fucking called her and let her listen to you crash…you let her worry and wonder if you were alive or not. And then she left. It had been too much for her. You deserved for her to just leave. It was your punishment and you should have just taken it._

_ But no. You had to be a dick towards her. You were either ignoring her, or being a dick towards her. Those seem to be the only two things you're capable of doing to her…_

_** No, no I love her. I…I love her.**_

_Sure you do. Then explain to me why you put her through the things you do? Because you get some sort of sick enjoyment out of it? You love hurting her don't…_

_**Stop it! Just fucking stop it already! I LOVE CLARE!**_

_So then go to church with her and her family. Wear the tie and go to church. Oh, but you won't will you? Because you're an asshole._

_**I know, okay. You win. Happy? I'm an asshole. I won't go to church with her because I'm too damn stubborn. I think church is full of hypocrites who don't even know the meaning behind the vacant, barren words they recite each Sunday. I won't go, and it'll hurt her, and I'll do it anyways because I'm an asshole. You win.**_

_I always win, Eli. You should know this by now. _


	2. Chapter 2

_Song: Blood  
Artist: In This Moment  
Line: I hate you for every time you ever bled for me_

Eli haphazardly tossed his textbooks and notebooks into his binder. In just a few short hours, the bell would ring and school would be dismissed for the day. He could go hang out with Clare, and maybe catch a movie or something. _What's that movie she wants to see called? __**Oh, she mentioned it the other day…uh…Breaking something…Breaking Dawn? Was that it?**_

_What makes you think she would like to go see a movie with you, huh? You've been doing better, oh sure. You've been faking it, that's what. Face it kid, these meds just aren't strong enough to overpower me. Nothing is, so stop trying._

_**I love Clare – that's strong enough to overpower you. I won't let you hurt her.**_

_Eli, when are you going to learn? I hurt everyone you're close to. I'm a disease. I slowly wipe out your loved ones one…by…one._

_**I won't let you this time.**_

_How? Hmm…how are you going to stop me? Like you stopped me from taking Julia away from you? Eli, you're poison. Everything you touch dies._

Eli slammed his locker door shut, hard, in a desperate attempt to silence the voice in his head. It worked. Eli paused for a moment, just to make sure; and sure enough, all he could hear was the low buzz of the students moving about in the hallway, making small talk about classes, teachers, and drama. Eli shook his head, trying to convince himself all he needed was a good night's rest, before heading off down the hallway.

"Eli!"

He turned around and allowed a small smile to tug at the corner of his lips as he saw her running down the hallway after him. She looked positively adorable, and just seeing her gave him butterflies.

_She looks so happy._

_**Don't.**_

_Don't what? Can't I just comment on how happy she looks today? Why is she happy, Eli?_

"Clare!" Eli greeted her with humorously exaggerated excitement.

Clare rolled her eyes as she grabbed hold of the lapels on his leather jacket, and pulled his lips to her level to kiss. After pulling away, she said, "So, I was thinking…"

"Uh-oh."

"Hush," Clare smacked his shoulder good-naturedly, "I was thinking that maybe after school today, you'd like to come over to my house for a surprise!"

"Surprise?" Eli raised an eyebrow, knowing Clare knew he couldn't resist the word surprise. His mind began to race wondering what it could be. Maybe this would be it…maybe she would finally let him get to past second base today.

"Yes, a surprise. But I'm not telling you until you come over after school."

"Well if you told me it wouldn't be a surprise then, would it?" Eli swung an arm over her shoulder and pulled her close to his chest, where she belonged – as close to his heart as possible, "But can you at least give me a hint? Or are you going to make stew about it for the rest of the day?"

"I think I'll just let you stew about it," Clare giggled as Eli let out a soft, throaty growl before pulling her even closer into his arms.

_You think she's safe in your arms? Really? How can she be safe in your arms when you're the one that's a danger to her?_

_**I am not a danger to her.**_

_Let's see…you killed Julia…you poisoned that kid last year…you got into several physical fights…you crashed your car on purpose…what are you going to do next?_

_**Have a good time with my girlfriend, that's what I am going to do. And I…I didn't kill Julia. She died riding her bike…**_

_After a fight you started. _

_**Fate, asshole. It would have happened regardless of our fight.**_

_You just don't want to admit that you killed her._

_**You know I did. I blamed myself for the longest time until Clare…**_

_Ah yes, the pretty girl under your arm…_

_**Don't even think about hurting her!**_

_Eli, I'm not the one that hurts people. You are._

"So, are you looking forward to coming over?"

"Don't do that," Eli kissed her temple, "Don't make this whole waiting-to-see-what-my-surprise-is thing any worse than it already is."

"I'll give you a hint."

"Hmmm?"

"It's something you've been wanting to see for a long time now."

"Oh," Eli raised an eyebrow, "Wow…really?"

"Yup. It's something you've been pressuring me to do for a long time, and I finally decided last night to let you. I think it'll be a relief once it's just done and over with, don't you?"

"Um…I don't know if I'd use the world relief. Don't you want to uh…enjoy the moment?"

"You know how I get about that sort of thing," Clare rolled her eyes to the tiled ceiling, "I get all self-conscious and second-guess everything."

"You do? Um…I mean, well…you know, you don't have any reason to Clare. You're perfect."

"Thanks, Eli. But I am just a little apprehensive. I mean…there's a reason I've never let you before. I just…I am worried you'll look at me differently or judge me or…"

"Clare," Eli paused and sternly turned her around and grabbed ahold of her shoulders, "What part of 'you're perfect' are you not grasping here? And I would never – _could never_ – look at you differently or judge. The only thing that might change is the fact that I could possibly love you even more after this. But that's it. I won't see you as a different person, and I could never judge you, Clare."

"Thanks, Eli. That means so much to me. It really does. Well, I've got to get to class. Have your dad drop you off at my house after school, mmkay?"

"Mmkay," Eli grabbed her lips in a quick kiss before watching her scurry off to class.

_**So this is it, huh? She's finally ready to have sex with me. Wow. But the question is, am I ready to have sex with her.**_

_Come on, it's not like you're a virgin._

_**I know that, you don't have to remind me. It's just…with Clare…it's different. Sure, I loved Julia and all, but with Clare…I don't know. I just don't want to screw this up with her. With Julia, we were so…fast and wild. We did it whenever we could. But with Clare…it's more than that. I just…I don't want to screw this up.**_

_You screw up no matter what, so just get used to it._

_**But I won't screw this up. I can't screw this up. This is…Clare's virginity is so important to her. You don't have morals so you wouldn't get it.**_

_And you do have morals?_

_**All I know is that I want this to be special for her. I want to do this all right for her. No mistakes, and certainly no episodes. So you…you better just scram for the evening.**_

_You can't tell me when to go, Eli. I am with you always._

_**Can you please let me have this one night? Please? I need to do this right for Clare. Everything has to be perfect for her. I don't want to be one of those asshole guys that just is in it for the sake of doing it. This is something I want to make special for her. God, I feel like I'm fourteen again.**_

_Just don't have a sneezing attack like you did your first time with Julia._

_**Don't even bring that up. That was awful.**_

_Or the second time, when you had that obnoxiously flamboyant giggle fit._

_**I can't help it…she knew I was ticklish there.**_

_You're going to suck tonight…and it's going to be horrible for her and forever she'll remember the night that you took her virginity; and she'll look back on this night and…_

"Eli, hey!"

"Hey, Adam! What's up, man?"

"Nothing, just getting to the library to work on a research paper on – get this – sperm whales."

"Sperm whales?" Eli raised an eyebrow, "Funny you should mention that…"

"Oh no," Adam winced, "This isn't going to be one of those stories that you start to tell me, and I know I don't want to hear it, so I ask you to not tell me, but then you tell me anyways…is it?"

"I think Clare and I are going to do it after school today!"

"Do what?"

"Play Donkey Kong on the old N64…what do you think, you moron!"

Adam looked to Eli as though his eyeballs were about to pop from their sockets, "Are you serious?"

"Yeah," Eli tried to sound more confident than he actually was, "She told me she wanted me to come over after school today for a surprise and then she kind of hinted at it. Apparently it's been something I've been bugging her about for a long time now, and she finally decided it's time."

"Wow…that's great, Eli!"

"I know…I just…I want everything to go well. I want this to be special for her."

"Eli, she loves you and you love her – it'll be special."

"Aw go blow a Hallmark card," Eli rolled his eyes before playfully punching Adam on the shoulder, "So…I guess I'll just call you and let you know how it goes tonight?"

"You can call, but I swear Eli if you try to go into any detail…"

"I promise," Eli grinned, "Well, I'll see you later."

"See ya."

That afternoon, Bullfrog pulled up in front of Clare's house. Eli was practically hopping up and down in his seat with nerves. So far, he hadn't heard the voice since earlier in the hallway; and he was hoping he had convinced it to just leave for the night.

"Call me when you want me to come pick you up," Bullfrog reminded Eli.

"Yeah, sure."

Normally Eli would have told his dad. Bullfrog would have been cool with it. His parents were always cool about the whole sex thing. But this was Clare and things were different.

"See ya, kid."

Eli hopped out of the car, waved goodbye to his dad, and hurried to Clare's porch. His heart was beating so hard against his chest, he was surprised it didn't break through and fall to the pavement. He raised a shaky hand to the doorbell, and pressed the button. In a few moments, Clare appeared.

She was wearing the same jeans and t-shirt she had been wearing at school, and Eli was wondering if maybe she was waiting until they got up to the bedroom to really surprise him.

"Hey!" She kissed him, "Come on in! We can go up to my room for a bit. Mom's cooking tacos tonight, so you can't stay long…"

"Your mom is still here?" Eli hissed, completely horrified, "Are you sure she'll be okay with this?"

"She encouraged me."

"She did?" Eli felt as though his eyes were about to be the ones to pop out.

"Yeah, silly. Okay, come on upstairs."

Eli followed behind her, trying not to stare at her hips as she took the stairs two at a time. He felt his heart beat even faster, and his palms were starting to get sweaty.

_**Aww! Gross, Eli! Pull yourself together, and do this right!**_

"So just have a seat at the desk," Clare nodded toward the desk chair.

"Um…okay?" Eli didn't want to argue. Maybe she had something special in mind.

_** Ooh…a strip tease would be nice…no! This is Clare. Things are different. Have some respect, Eli…sheesh!**_

Clare went over to the bed and pulled something out from behind the pillow. She handed it to Eli, who quickly realized it was a stapled packet of paper.

"What's this?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Well…you know how you were always encouraging me to write, but you've never read anything of mine other than my school paper stuff and my English assignment stuff? Well, I've made you a compilation of my poems and short stories to read. I am so nervous because you're such a greater writer and I am super nervous about sharing these with you but I think we're at that stage where we can have this kind of intimacy…"

"Wait…this is your idea of intimacy?"

"You sound upset?" Clare pursed her lips, and Eli could tell she was hurt by his response to her gift.

"No…no of course not…"

_Who are you kidding? Of course you're upset…you're fucking pissed!_

"I just…I wasn't expecting this."

"What were you expecting?" Clare crossed her arms over her chest.

Eli sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "You're going to laugh at this. Trust me."

"Okay, tell me."

"I thought we were going to…well…you know…have sex today."

"What?"

"You're not laughing."

"Eli, why would you think that? You know me better than that. You know that I'm saving that for marriage!"

"I know," Eli instantly felt horribly embarrassed, "I'm so sorry, Clare. It's just…I don't know…I jumped to conclusions!"

"Yeah, you did. You know me better than that, Eli. I can't believe you thought…"

"Hey, stop okay? You don't have to make me feel even worse about it."

"You're right, I'm sorry," Clare tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, "I guess I did make it sound like it'd be something more didn't I? I'm sorry…I'll take back the writing if you don't want to read it."

"Don't be ridiculous – of course I am going to read it," Eli flipped open the first page.

_This is complete crap. Her use of imagery is about as bad as a bad as it gets._

_**Shut up! She's an excellent writer, she just needs some practice. A little refinement. **_

_It sucks and you know it._

_**It does not. She's good, really good. No one starts out being perfect. It takes practice. This is really good. So when she gets better, she'll be absolutely amazing!**_

_Are you really going to let her get away with making you think you were going to have sex tonight? Are you really going to let her just get away with that? You should teach her a lesson. _

_**It's my fault. I jumped to conclusions. She's right; I know her well enough to know that she just isn't the type to have sex before marriage.**_

_She almost did with Jake. Remember?_

_**She chose to tell me that to be honest with me; and just because she almost did, doesn't mean she did.**_

_Tell her her writing sucks._

_**No.**_

_Tell her. I own you, Eli. You're forgetting…you do what I tell you to do. I am you, Eli._

_**Shut up! Please just shut up!**_

_Hurt her, Eli. Hurt her._

_**I won't hurt her! I won't do it!**_

"So," Clare bobbed up and down on her toes, "What do you think so far?"

Eli felt it overcome him. He didn't want to say the words he did, but he couldn't help it; they seemed to just flow from his mouth like a tap had been turned on, "With a little refinement, you could be really good."

"Excuse me?"

"Well…some of its better than some. Writing just takes work, Clare…"

"Are…are you saying it's not good?" Eli could see her eyes glaze over as her worst fear was unfolding before her, "I mean…I know it's not perfect, but do you have anything positive to say about it at all?"

"Just that it wasn't worth not having sex for," Eli stood from the chair and headed to the door.

"_Excuse me_?" Clare called after him, "Eli!"

He was already to the stairs, taking them two at a time.

_See what I did there? _

"Eli! Come here and talk to me, please! Eli!"

He slammed the front door shut behind him and made his way to their infamous bench. The whole time he was walking, the voice was yammering.

_Now she paid. The bitch got what she deserved; tricking you like that and thinking she could get away with it. I told you you'd hurt her. I told you you would and you did! You finally grew a pair and hurt her. I bet she's crying right now. I bet she's standing in her bedroom confused and hurt. I bet she looks like a lost, kicked little puppy…_

_**Shut up! I hate you! Why did you do that?**_

_I didn't do anything, Eli. That was all on you. You said it…not me._

_**But you made me say it! How could you do that to her? God…I need to go back and apologize. I need to…**_

_You don't need to do anything, Eli. This is for the best, after all. She doesn't deserve you, and you pushing her away will make her realize that quickly. It'll be quick like a Baind-Aid. I'm just trying to help. You're poison, Eli. No one should be around you._

_**Stop it, please just stop it! I hate you so much! I fucking hate you! I love Clare. I love her. I'd never say that to her…I'd never…**_

_But you did, didn't you?_

_**Yes but…but…that wasn't me. God, I need to go back and apologize. I really screwed this up. She did give me the equivalent of sex to her. She opened herself up and made herself vulnerable to me, and how did I repay her? By fucking hurting her. How can she still be with me?**_

_That's been my question all along._

_**How can she still stand to be with me after all that I do to her? After all that I put her through? How can she still love me throughout everything?**_

_That's why we got to get her out of the equation, Eli. With her gone, you can't hurt her._

_**But you want me to hurt her…you want me to hurt her to avoid hurting her? Your logic makes no sense.**_

_I am a chemical imbalance in your brain, Eli. I don't have to make sense. _

_**Why can't you just leave me alone? I swear to God, I am going to talk to my therapist about upping my meds. **_

_You hate your meds._

_**They make me easier for Clare. I need my meds. I'd do anything for her.**_

_You're forgetting, Eli. It's not Clare that's a part of you. I am though. I am a part of you. I am, and will always be, you. Do you still hate me if I am you, Eli?_

_**Yes. **_


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Not all of these one-shots will be connected. Also, yes this is what BPD does to you. I kind of intensified it and took from one of my favorite books, giving the disorder a personality. With BPD, you think things you don't want to think. It happened with me in regards to my mom a lot. She had a stroke awhile back, and things don't come to her as quickly as they should, and she forgets a bunch. Sometimes, when she forgets and I'm on an "episode" I'll think to myself something like, "what a dumb bitch" and think something violent. And immediately after I think that, I'm like, "NO! Who thought that? Those words weren't mine!" And it's scary and frustrating, but I am getting better. With Eli, everything is intense, so I just intensified this a bit. Enjoy! **

_Song: Blood  
Artist: In This Moment  
Line: I hate you for the way you smile when you look at me_

Eli sat in English class trying to concentrate on starting his essay on "_Your Greatest Fear."_ It was a dumb assignment, and he hated it from the minute they were told the prompt on which to write. It also didn't help that his mind was wandering everywhere but to the subject he was supposed to be concentrating on. His mind, in particular, wandered over the auburn-haired girl sitting next to him. She was nibbling on the eraser of her pencil – tapping it against her teeth, lightly biting at it. Eli knew that meant she was focused.

They had had a fight yesterday, and hadn't spoken since. It had been something stupid; Eli had snapped at her for something. It hadn't really been her fault, but he still had gotten mad. She had looked so hurt, and Eli had wanted to go and comfort her, but something in him (the thing in him) wouldn't let him. So he had just left her, sitting at The Dot, alone…tears rolling and splashing into her coffee. He felt so guilty about what he had said, but wouldn't dare apologize. He couldn't bring himself to do so. And he hated that.

In fact, he had stayed up all night wishing that he could rewind and change that. He wanted more than anything to make it right between them again; but the thing coursing through his veins, poisoning his brain, wouldn't let him. Now, all he could was sit and stare as she munched on her little pink eraser like it was a piece of bubble gum.

_**That's disgusting.**_

_Stop it;_ Eli told the voice, _it's not disgusting. It's just one of her quirks. It means she's concentrating on what she's writing…and it's really cute!_

_**It's disgusting and you know it. All those germs on that edge of the eraser…the graphite particles…how could you ever want to kiss that?**_

_That? That is my girlfriend, and I want to kiss her every second of every hour of every day._

The voice seemed to settle for that response, and appeared to leave Eli alone. As he watched her, he couldn't help but be completely mesmerized by every little thing she did – the way she used the tip of the pencil to scratch her head, the way she tucked a curl behind her ear, the way she tapped her toe to the linoleum tile, the way she would frown and madly erase like crazy, the way she would smile to herself when she wrote something that appeased her – everything was beautiful to him, and moments worthy of memorization and documentation. He wanted to catch every breath she took, and hold onto it forever.

She finally could feel his stare, and turned to meet his eyes. It took her just a moments hesitation, but she smiled a sweet, genuine, perfect Clare-smile. Eli felt his heart melt into a puddle of mush as he felt his own lips twitch into a smile as well. Clare blushed bashfully before returning to her paper, and Eli felt a sudden sickness wash over him.

_How can she just smile at me like that? How can she smile at me when I left her alone and crying at The Dot yesterday? How can she still smile at me like I am the greatest thing in her world? I should be nothing to her, and I am still her everything. _

_**You are nothing.**_

_I just don't understand her. Why does she keep putting up with all the shit I throw at her? Why does she still look at me like that – smile at me like that? Why doesn't she realize I am nothing but trouble? _

_**That's why we have to hurt enough for her to leave you. You're no good for anyone, Eli. Trust me when I tell you that. Some people don't deserve others in their lives…and you're one of those people.**_

_I just wish she would realize that I am no good for her without me having to hurt her. I don't want to hurt her._

_**But you do. Almost every day. You really should start that essay.**_

_I know. I just…I hate how she still sees the world in me. What's wrong with her?_

_**Love, that's what's wrong with her. She's in love with the unlovable. That's why we have to stop this before it gets any further. She's just going to get hurt. So that's why you need to take the responsibility and push her away, kid. Keep her away from you. You don't deserve someone so beautiful.**_

Eli frowned and lifted the black pen to the paper. He didn't even have to think before he wrote, he just began: "Some people fear trivial things like heights and drowning and bees. Others fear more intense things – losing loved ones, for example. Me? My worst fear is myself.

_**Good boy.**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: As mentioned before, I kind of intensified this. I have a pretty low form of BPD, and mental illness is different for everyone, so I wouldn't judge all BPD based off of this story. I am really glad you all like it. It's interesting to write, and I'm excited to see what comes next for this story! Take care, y'all**

_Song: Blood  
Artist: In This Moment  
Lyric: I hate you for never taking control of me_

"Eli, where are you going?" Clare hopped up from the skull-sheet clad bed she had been sitting on, a look of confusion, concern, and panic curtaining her face.

"I just need to get away for a bit," Eli had his hand on the doorknob when Clare's touch on his arm stopped him. He turned to see the look of horror on her face, and his heart throbbed. She hadn't done anything wrong really. She had just been watching movies with him on the bed, when she asked about his French exam he had had that afternoon. He had said he didn't want to talk about it, she pushed the subject, and he had gotten angry. After a few minutes of yelling, Eli had stormed across the bedroom, heading towards the door – heading towards…well, he didn't exactly know.

"Eli, you can't just leave. Please don't go," her voice was pleading, and with each word, Eli could feel his heart fracture more and more, "Please, stay here. We can talk. Don't get in that car, Eli. Don't you dare drive when you're this worked up. Please just stay here. We can watch whatever movie you'd like. We don't have to keep watching…"

"You don't get it, do you?" Eli turned on her, "You really don't get it? What part of I need to be alone are you not quite understanding, Edwards? I need to be alone. I need to be away from you. I can't do this right now."

Tears pooled against her blue irises, but she held her ground, "Eli, you can't get behind the wheel like this. Please stay. I am sorry I pressed the subject of your French exam. You didn't want to discuss it, and I pushed it."

"It's not just that," Eli ran a hand through his hair, "Lately it's like you've been super controlling, Clare. You constantly want to know everything about me."

"Because you worry me," Clare admitted, "And I always want to make sure that you're safe, and that you're okay. I don't want you to have another break down, Eli. This is serious, and I just…I want to make sure you're okay."

He knew she had a point, and he knew she was right. He had been on the verge of a breakdown for a long time now, and she had very good reason to be concerned. And she hadn't really been all that controlling, Eli knew that.

_**She's trying to monitor you. She's not your therapist. She's your girlfriend. I doubt she even know what that word means anymore. All she does is study you and try to make sure you're okay. Everything you do is a step further in her research. She doesn't really love you. You just intrigue her.**_

_You're a fucking idiot. That doesn't even make sense. She cares, and is concerned. It's good she's concerned about me. I overreacted, and now I just need to calm down. I need to go for a walk._

_**No, you need to go for a drive. You can blast your new Rob Zombie CD, and just forget about her. Walks are for pussies anyways.**_

_I'm not getting behind a wheel angry; she's right. I won't do that. I will just go for a walk to clear my head a bit, then I will come back and apologize to her._

"Look, I just need to go for a walk. I need to think and get control of this. I…I feel an episode coming on, Clare. I don't want to be around you when that happens. I just need to go for a walk and chill. I won't be gone long, but I just…I don't trust myself around you. I don't want to say or do something to hurt you. Just…watch the movie, and I'll be back soon."

Clare's features softened, and Eli could see his words begin to register, "Well…okay," she gave in, "Just…be safe, alright?"

Eli nodded, and put on his smiling mask, "Sure."

And with that, he swung the door open and headed down the steps, and out the front door. Clare sighed and retreated back to his bed. She curled up under the black skull bedding, and pulled the blankets up to her chin. She leaned against the wall, and closed her eyes, wishing that everything could just be better. It wasn't fair on her, and it wasn't fair on Eli, that he was like this. She just wanted him to be happy and healthy – and that meant mentally as well as physically.

Clare entertained the idea of starting the movie back up, but decided against it. She couldn't possibly focus on a movie right now. It was so hard. Everything was so hard. When they had gotten back together, he promised he was better…and he seemed better up until recently. Now, he terrified her. And she knew that that terrified him. This monster coursing through his veins, clouding his thoughts with black smog wasn't him.

She pulled at a loose thread on the blanket, and hoped he was safe and would come back to her soon.

Eli walked down the icy sidewalk until he arrived at the bench – their bench. He debated sliding across it, but chose against it. Instead, he collapsed against the cold, blue metal. The cold burned the seat of his pants, and he shifted uncomfortably. Why hadn't he remembered to grab his fucking jacket?

_Are you here?_

_**Always.**_

_Yeah._

_**She's like Imogen, you know. She is going to analyze everything you do. You're a little mini research project for her. A goddamn lab rat. Run in her little maze. Drink the poisoned water. Pretend like you think nothing is wrong.**_

_Clare isn't like that. This isn't some game to her._

_**She let you go. You could very well have gotten in that car. She didn't stop you.**_

_She tried, but I explained to her…_

_**You wanted to get in that car. I know you. I know your every thought. You wanted to get in that car and drive far away…you wanted to escape.**_

_Stop it. She loves me, and she didn't want me to drive. And you know what – I didn't want to drive either. I don't trust myself behind the wheel…especially when I'm angry. Not after what happened the last time. _

_**She thinks she can control us…but she can't. Nothing can.**_

_I wish she could though. I wish she could take control of me; I'd rather her be the voice inside my head instead of you. At least she doesn't want to hurt me._

_**And you think I do? Silly boy…I love you. I want to protect you. You are me, and I am you; now explain, why I would ever want to get us hurt? I want to protect you. I want to protect us. She doesn't care what happens to you – not like I do.**_

_You're a fucking parasite. I don't want to listen to you anymore._

_**Then don't. Why do you?**_

_I…I don't know. I just need to calm down and go back and talk things out with her. I love her. I love her so fucking much, and still it's not enough. No matter how hard or how much I love her, you still bastardize that. You get into my head and you fuck everything up._

_**Oh sure, blame me. Yeah, um last time I checked, I wasn't making you do anything. You can listen me, or not listen me. It's your own choice, kid.**_

_But it's not! I have to listen to you. I know I shouldn't do what you tell me to, but I do it anyways. It's like I'm your fucking marionette! _

_**You will sing for me!**_

_Did you really try to make a Phantom of the Opera reference? Don't try and get a sense of humor, you asshole. _

_**And why can't I have a sense of humor? Does getting along with me for a moment in your life really scare you that much, Eli?**_

_Yes. I don't fucking want anything to do with you; much less have you make me laugh._

_**I can't help it, Eli. I am you. You are me. Now then, are you just going to sit here all day?**_

_No, I need to get back and talk with Clare. I need to apologize. I just…I couldn't be around her. if I snapped around her…I could never forgive myself._

_**You're scared of hurting her.**_

_Yeah, I am. Fucking terrified, if you want to get technical. I just couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt her. I know I hurt her every day, but if I actually did something to her…I love her so much. She's my whole world. She's everything to me. Everything starts and ends with her._


	5. Chapter 5

_**PLEASE READ THIS:**_

**Author's Note: Okay, before I get any further in this story, I feel like we need to address some "house-keeping issues" as teacher's call it. It had come to my attention that some of you have some concerns about this story, and I'd like to take the time to address those concerns, and get us all on the same page here.**

**As stated before, this is not a 100% accurate portrayal of Bipolar Disorder. I have BPD and I know what it's like. However, for the purpose of this story, I kind of used some creative expansion. The voice isn't another personality as much as it is just Eli's anger, hatred, irrationality, etc. personified. **

**This isn't a book or dissertation on what BPD is and how to deal. It's just a story – a fictional story – about a fictional character struggling with BPD and his other mental issues. I've said it numerous times in past Author's Notes. This is somewhat of what BPD does. BPD makes you think irrational thoughts, think and say things that aren't who you are, etc. So that part is accurate. However, I used some creative freedom for the sake and purpose of my story. **

**Please, don't leave me reviews about this not being accurate. I know it's not accurate, I've stated that several times. The core is accurate, but I took some creative freedom for the purpose of my story. This story is a challenge for me, and I really am enjoying working on it. I don't want you to think I am attacking anyone by saying this. That is not my intentional at all. I just want to clear it up, so you guys can all just enjoy reading the story without looking too much into it, and trying to relate it to every case of BPD out there, because it's simply not.**

**I don't want you to think that I think this is what BPD is 100%. This is a fictional piece, with foundations in my own experiences with BPD, but mostly some creative freedom thrown in. BPD makes you think irrationally. It makes you do and say things that aren't who you are as a person. It's terrifying, and it's a huge struggle. I hope that is portrayed accurately. However, the rest (ie: the voice) is creative freedom. **

*******The voice isn't a split personality. The voice is just all the negative thoughts and emotions of BPD personified.*******

**Once again, I love you all and just wanted to clarify that. I have been getting reviews and PMs regarding this. I just want to make sure we are all on the same page here. I am not trying to yell at anyone or call in anyone out. I just want to make sure we all understand and are on the same page. I don't want any confusion or hurt feelings. **

**Now then, if anyone's bothered to read this whole thing, thank you. Let's get on with the story!**

**PS: I've been looking forward to writing this chapter for a long time, ever since I first got the idea for this story – this is one of the lyrics I looked forward to the most!**

_Song: Blood  
Artist: In This Moment  
Lyric: I hate you for always saving me from myself_

Eli sat down at his computer to start on the newest addition to the school play. He loved the characters, and felt he had a good thing started. But now, he was stuck. He had no idea where to go from there. He pressed the ON button on his laptop, and waited for the computer to wake itself up. He had promised himself he'd start working more on the play after school. It was already eleven.

When the desktop background of Rob Zombie lit up, Eli scrolled over to open up the document currently entitled, "_Shitty School Play dslkfjsldkfk_." He promised himself that when the play was finished, then he'd pick a more appropriate title. Eli scrolled through the document he had already started. It contained only twelve pages of written content. Sighing, Eli shook his head as he continued to read. He had a very love/hate relationship with his writing. He loved the characters for this play, but he hated the plot. He severely thought about just deleting the whole thing and starting over. But he had promised that he'd have the completed play finished by next Friday, and starting over completely just wasn't going to be an option.

_This is shit._

It wasn't the other voice; this time, this was his. The play was shit and he knew it. Why couldn't he just have one decent idea? Was one idea really too much to ask for? Eli scrolled to the last page, and clicked the cursor on the sentence he had left off on the last time he dared to write.

_Writing is easy, sit down at a type writer and open a vein_, Eli rolled his eyes, thinking of his all-time favorite quote. He loved that quote…the imagery of the pain and suffering of writing; the imagery of the blood, the life, being poured forth…everything about that quote sent chills down his spine.

_**Do it.**_

_Oh no. Please go away; I need to focus on getting this play together. I don't have time to play your little games and listen to your bullshit. _

_**Do it.**_

_Do what, you little prick?_

_**You know what, Eli. You know perfectly well what. It's been a long time, hasn't it? It's been quite a long time since your warm flesh has felt the chill of the metal blade, huh? How long has it been? Since you first met Clare, right? Interesting…**_

_ I was going through a lot. It was stupid of me to even hurt myself like that. _

_**Don't you remember the cool of the blade against your throbbing veins? Don't you remember opening your veins and watching the scarlet blood trickle down your arm. Do you remember the pain, Eli? The burning, the ice-cold burning. The numbness that would follow. Sweet, beautiful, decadent pain.**_

Eli gulped and stared down at the inside of his forearm. Little white, puffy scars (battle wounds, as he liked to call them) confettied along the inside of his arm. Little slits, gashes, slices, scrapes…Eli ran his hand over the raised flesh, and felt the hair stand up on the back of his neck.

He remembered perfectly well, without the help of the voice, what it had been like to rip at his flesh like an animal in a cage, trying to take off the skin and be made free. Eli realized his lips were raised in a twisted grin as he ran his fingertips over the scars, and quickly stopped himself.

_No, _Eli dropped his hand and returned his attention to the computer screen, _I am not going to even think about that. I have a play to write._

_**Open yourself up, Eli. Let the poison out.**_

_Let the poison out?_

_**Like back in the day, when they used leeches to take toxins from the blood. Open a vein, let the poison spill out of your veins. Only then, once the poison is released, can you truly focus on your writing. This poison clouds your mind…it takes over you, Eli. You need to get the toxin out.**_

Eli stood from the computer chair and walked over to his dresser. He pulled open the top drawer, his underwear and socks drawer. After leafing through the clothing, he felt it. His hand scraped up against the old dishtowel, and Eli's heart stopped for a second.

_I won't do it. I just…I want to see how the old blade is holding up. It's a nice knife – a Medieval hunting knife I got for Christmas a few years ago. There's no real reason why I can't take it out and admire it every once in a while. _

Eli gently unfolded the blade from the old, ratty dishtowel. The silver glistened and gleamed under the red light of his lamp. Eli's lips turned upwards as he ran his fingertips over the cold blade. He lifted a finger and pressed the pad of his fingertip to the point of the hunting knife. He winced as he felt the sharp bite, and removed his finger from the blade, staring at the ruby balanced on his fingertip.

_**What do you think? Don't you remember?**_

_Of course I remember; I have the scars I have to look at every day. I remember._

_**Then do it. Do it just once. Cut yourself and let the poison free. Free yourself from the toxin, Eli. Get it out.**_

Eli sat down on the edge of the bed, gripped the knife in his right hand and lowered the blade to his bare forearm. Just as he was about to make a gash, biting his lip to silence a scream of pain, the bedroom door swung open.

"Hey, I've been calling but when you didn't pick up, I called your house phone and Cece told me it was okay for me to come by and I know it's late, but I was wondering if you wanted to take a small break from the play, and…_Eli_!" Her eyes were transfixed, large as saucers, at the scene about to be carried out on the bed, "What do you think you're doing!"

Eli felt complete mortification, and Clare hurried to him. She knelt down in front of him, and eased the blade from his hand, "Eli…what are you doing? What is going on?"

"I…I don't know," Eli had no idea how to try to explain this to her.

"Talk to me," Clare clutched his hands in her own, "_Please_, Eli. Talk to me."

"I just…you know I used to cut myself right after Julia died. I stopped when I met you, Clare. I really did. But…there's this anger inside me…this…this thing that clouds my judgment and makes me hurt people. I wanted…I thought maybe…I could get it out. And I know that makes no sense…"

"Shhh," Clare brushed some hair from his eyes, "It makes perfect sense, Eli. But cutting yourself isn't going to make that anger inside you go away. Are you taking your meds, Eli?"

"No," Eli admitted, "I just…sometimes they get in the way of my writing."

"You need to talk to your doctor," Clare moved to sit up on the bed next to him, and pulled him close, hugging his head to her chest, "I am so worried for you, Eli. You're scaring me."

"I know," Eli blushed furiously, "I _hate_ that. I _hate_ scaring you. You are the one person I don't want to hurt. But I just…I want this anger out. I hate it. I hate the things it makes me think and feel."

"It's not you; just remember that. When that anger takes over, just know that's not you. It's something else, and you need to talk to your doctor about it."

"What if the doctors can't help?" Eli winced, voicing his worst fear for the first time ever, "What if this is who I am, and this is going to be how it's going be from now on. What if…"

"No," Clare hugged him tighter, "We'll get you help, Eli. You are so strong, but this anger – all those negative feelings – they are strong too."

"You need to get home," Eli sat up and brushed a curl behind her ear, "Before your parents know that you've snuck off to come see me."

"I don't want to leave you."

"I know. If it makes you feel better," Eli reached around to the nightstand where she had placed the knife, grabbed it, and offered it to her, "take this. Take it and store it safely away from me at your place, alright?"

"Eli," Clare stared down at the knife he was offering to her. She never was a fan of weapons, but knew she would have to take the thing if she wanted to protect Eli from it, "Alright," she finally gave in, "I'll hold on to it for safe keeping, alright?"

Eli nodded and Clare took the blade from him, "You're right," she said, "I should go before my parents notice."

"I'm becoming a bad influence on you, Edwards," Eli kissed her sweetly on the forehead, "Before you know it, you'll be blasting Metallic and wearing black nail…" he glanced down at her hands, "Oh."

"My mom nearly murdered me for it," Clare smiled sheepishly, "But I love it. Black glitter. Ali bought it for me at the mall. I was hoping you'd like it."

"Of course I do," Eli stood from the bed and shoved her towards the door, "Now get outta here before your parents start sending the cops to come look for you."

"Alright," Clare hugged him, "Be safe, alright."

"I'll try to keep myself out of trouble."

"Good. Because if I see any signs of you self-harming, I will self-harm you myself," Clare winced, realizing what she had just said.

Eli chuckled, "You sound like Bullfrog: '_If you hurt yourself or do anything stupid that will result in you getting hurt again, I _will_ kick your ass._'"

"You're dad's awesome."

"I know," Eli smiled proudly, "Now get before the whole city's patrol arrives at my house to arrest me for kidnapping."

"Alright," Clare reached up to lightly give him a small peck on the cheek, "Take care of yourself, Eli."

"For you," Eli promised. She smiled sweetly before tucking the knife into her bag, and heading out his bedroom door.

Eli sighed and flopped back onto his bed. He rolled his eyes and looked at the ceiling. She had stopped him. She had saved him once again. She always managed to save him.

_**She fucking ruined it.**_

_Oh buzz off._

_**She interrupted you. You were going to finally do it. You were finally going to cut the demon out; watch the black blood spill.**_

_You're a fucking creep; you know that, right?_

_**I'll take that as a compliment. So, she took the knife. Now how are you going to get the poison out?**_

_By going and talking to my doctor. Upping my meds._

_**Like candy pills are going to stop me.**_

_I'm not listening to you anymore._

_**Yeah, let's see how long that lasts for you, buddy. Those candy pills are nothing. Nothing compared to me. The only way to get me out of you, and she stopped it. She interrupted it. You were going to save yourself.**_

_No, I was going to hurt myself. Clare is the one that saved me._

_**Are you so sure about that? **_

**Author's Note: Hope you liked it! Also, I hope I didn't come across as a bitch in my author's note. I just want us all on the same page. Also, this is a series of oneshots, just in case I didn't make that clear. Sometimes I get so excited, and I jump into a project but my readers are kind of left scratching their heads because I rushed and skipped over explaining things first, and I'm sorry about that. I just get distracted and jump in and I really am sorry about that. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Just wanted to apologize in case I sounded like an oober bitch in my last author's note. **

**That wasn't my intent to come off as such; and I was simply trying to explain things a bit better. **

**I am so nervous and worried that I said something that might have offended our hurt you, so I just wanted to apologize. **

**I love you all, please know that. And I love all of your reviews.**

**Take care, guys.**

**Until next chapter **


	7. Chapter 7

__**Author's Note: So I don't really care for this chapter, but I needed to update. Hope you enjoy; and I apologize for it not being my best work.**

_Song: Blood  
Artist: In This Moment  
Lyric: I hate you for always choosing me, and not someone else_

Eli Goldsworthy was eating lunch at the picnic tables when he saw her walking outside with…who was that? Eli squinted, trying to get a better look. The guy looked like he was about in Clare's grade, and he was dressed in khakis with a tucked in polo.

_He does realize that Simpson decided to get rid of the uniforms, right?_

_**He looks like that Jake kid, if Jake wore non-Lumberjack attire.**_

_Good one._

Eli nibbled on the slice of left-over pizza Bullfrog had packed for him (packed meaning he ran around the kitchen trying to find something edible to fix for him, settled on the pizza, wrapped it in tin foil, put it and a Coke inside a paper bag, and tossed the bag at him as he headed out the door) before school. Cece was out of town, and Bullfrog was barely scraping by running the house on his own.

He peeled off a chewy pepperoni and tossed it to the ground – maybe it'd make a squirrel's day – and continued to watched Clare interact with the guy. They laughed, and she scrawled something down on a piece of notebook paper she tore from her binder, and handed it to him. That got Eli's attention a little more.

_Who is that kid?_

_**Fuck if I know. She looks happy with him though. They're laughing. Look at her smile.**_

_Wow…she hasn't looked that happy in a long time. Normally she just looks…_

_**Exhausted?**_

_Yeah. _

"Hey Eli!" Clare bounced over to him, and sat down across from him at the table, "What's up?"

"Nothing much. Who was that?" Eli asked, trying to remain as casual as possible.

"Oh, that's just Blake. He's my new lab partner."

"Oh," Eli nodded, picking at the crust of his day-old pizza, "You two seem to get along."

"We do," Clare pulled her thermos from her bad, "He's really cool. He wants to go on to major in chemistry at university."

"Hmm," Eli sipped his Coke, "Clare…you looked happy with him."

"Eli, what are you getting at?" Clare's brow furrowed as she unfolded her paper towel napkin into her lap.

"Well…I just…I'm not stupid Clare," Eli finally said, "I see the way I exhaust you. I am so much to handle, and I know that. It must be so tough on you having to deal with me, and my emotions. I am a wreck – a mental wreck. I'm a walking cocktail of chemical imbalances! You should be with…with someone that makes you happy."

"Eli," Clare's voice was firm, "He told me a lame joke; and I laughed. You…you bring me so much joy with each day. I get excited about waking up in the mornings, because I know I'll see you and hug you and kiss you and see your smile and hear your laugh. Yes, there are bad times; but the bad times are nothing compared to the good times we have together."

"I just don't understand how you could still chose to be with me," Eli shook his head.

"Um…well…I don't know…maybe because I love you to the moon and back," Clare reached over and grabbed his hand in hers, and squeezed, "You're the world to me, Elijah Goldsworthy…the world. I wouldn't change that for anything."

"I just want you to be happy."

"And I am. With you."

"Don't you think you deserve to be with someone better?"

"How can I be with someone better when I am with the best?"


End file.
